bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
