honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
