I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
