i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
