worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
