I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
