i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
