Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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