Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize