I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
