I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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