That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
