I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
