i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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