So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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