she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
