I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
