Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize