Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
