i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
