I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
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