Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
you had me at cake vodka
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
