Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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