how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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