if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
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