A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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