Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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