if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
