Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
How's work?
Spinning.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
