Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
