so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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