Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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