Umm I'm too high to move.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
