u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
