their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
i now understand why vodka
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
