Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
