This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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