all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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