my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
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