im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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