you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My penis needs a shock collar
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
