apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
