Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
