somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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