I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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