you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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