I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Randomize
