got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Randomize
