Kareoke will never be a sober sport
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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