Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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