Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize