When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
