One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
