fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
