I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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