hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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