The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
